The Magic of Animalia
by CallieMikey
Summary: This is a story about Rincewind. A girl called Ella Cohen, as we think, goes with him to go to Ankh-Morpork. Things happen that they never expected, the Unseen U. contact the next Universe, and the Watch has another killer on there hands....*CHAP 5 UP!*
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I do not own Discworld, but I can't save money, because I own two of the books, and I keep buying them. This is my first fanfic for the Disc and I've only read _Thief of Time, Maskerade, The Light Fantastic, Sourcery, Maurice and his Amazing rodents (_or something_), Eric,_ and _Men at Arms._

***

"Er." The Bursar's head popped in to the Library and looked at Rincewind pointedly.

"Yes?" Rincewind looked up from the desk he was sitting at next to the Librarian, reading a book.

"You have some visitors." The Bursar looked uncomfortable, which isn't saying much, but he was more uncomfortable than usual.

"Yes?" Rincewind raised an eyebrow, not sure if he actually _wanted_ to meet these visitors. This is what you do ordinarily with visitors: you meet them, greet them, and, if you can, feed them. Rincewind was just thinking how not to meet them, let alone greet or feed them.

"Should I send them, er, in?"

"Yes."

In they came.

Rincewind stared for a minute, and shook his head hastily, and looked again.

There stood a _girl_. 

Or, more precisely, a young lady, who looked old enough to be Rincewind's consort (if he wanted one) but young enough to have a mischievous childish grin on her face that means trouble. She had long, curly black locks, which surrounded her dark, tanned features. She wore a dark brown explorer jacket over a white men's shirt, and a short, minute white pleated skirt, and, for some reason, blue summer sunglasses. She had long lanky legs, and on her feet were black boots that looked very out of place. Altogether, _she_ looked out of place.

From behind her came Cohen the Barbarian. Rincewind blinked, stood up, and went up to him. 

"Hallo, Cohen." Rincewind put out a hand, not sure how to react. "How are you?"

Cohen flashed him a diamond smile. "Fine. Have you met anyone for you yet?

"Well, no. It's not like I need…" Rincewind trailed off and stared at the woman behind Cohen. She had long, wavy, chestnut hair, and was beautiful. 

"Is that-is that—"

"Yep. My wife, Fara." Cohen grinned, and put his hands roughly on the young woman Rincewind had seen before's shoulders. "And this," said Cohen, happily, "Is my daughter, Ella."

Ella stared at Rincewind with great, big, green* eyes. She gave him a Look, and stared at his hat for a moment, before saying,

"Nice hat."

*Green, but not as in emeralds. Or of green pickled toads, either. If you were to fly over the Amazon and looked out at the green rain forest below, it would look like that. Without the leaves.

"Thanks." Rincewind's hands went up consciously to his hat. It was a grubby hat; with the letters WIZZARD spelled out by someone whose needlework was worse than their spelling. The point was hardly a point anymore; the star at the end had lost all its sequins.

Ella raised an eyebrow, something Rincewind was usually very good at. She took a breath, and said, "I want to be an investigative reporter. Will you take me to Ankh-Morpork and help me find a job as one and a place to stay?"

Rincewind stared at her. 

"What?"

"I _said_, will you take me to Ankh-Mor—"

"No, I mean…you want to be an _investigative reporter_?"

Cohen smiled again. "Yes, she does. Ella's old enough to get her own job, and she's very good at being an investigative reporter. Well, since me an' Fara—" He grinned at the woman behind him "—are going on our honeymoon, we thought you could take her."

"What?"

"C'mon, Rincewind, it'll be quick. We have to go to Ephebie."

"But, um—" It was too late. Cohen smiled, said goodbye, and left with his latest wife.

"Um." Rincewind stared at the girl some more. She had a suitcase with her as well, and was looking at him in a very bored way.

"Oook?"

The Librarian came up to Ella, who smiled at him.

"An investigative reporter is someone who goes around the Disc to investigate things, like mysteries, and has adventures, then writes stories about them."

"Oook."

"Yeah, like an adventuress."

"Oook." 

"Hey!" Rincewind glared at the Librarian, who grinned, showing many yellowed teeth.

"Is he? You're right, he does strike me as such." Ella went up to Rincewind, cocked her head, and nodded. "Yes, it's a bit obvious."

"I may be a coward, but it is an art."

"Oh…good for you. Must be a very hard art to learn."

"It is."

Ella shrugged, and looked around at the Library. "It's so beautiful. All the books…beautiful, really."

"I think so too."

Ella muttered, under her breath, "She would probably order for all of 'em to be burned, the hussy."

"Excuse me?"

"You know the woman my father was with? She's an absolute _cow_."

"Is she?"

"Yes. Well, I don't expect we can go _now_, can we? It's a bit late." Ella looked out the windows of the giant Library, which were absolutely dark. 

"Yes, I'm going to bed."

"Where do I sleep?" Ella paused. "They don't have a women's section here, do they?"

"Well…the cooks and servants sleep there."

"Oh. Is there room for me…?"

"'S'pose s—Ow! What was _that_ for?" Rincewind rubbed his arm, where the Librarian had pinched him.

"Oook."

"Where else can she sleep, anyhow?"

"Oook."

"In the Library? But—"

"Fine by me." Ella intercepted. "I'll stay here."

"Um. Okay. So, um, good night."

_"Bonne nuit."_

"Oook!"

*

"Where _is_ she?"

"Oook."

"D-downstairs?! Why?!"

"Oook."

"She was hot? Well, it is pretty warm in here."

"Oook."

"_You_ go get her!"

"Oook."

"So what if I'm her guide?"

"_Oook._"

"Fine." Rincewind slowly went down the stairs to the cellar, where the University kept the, um, erotic* books.

Ella looked at him from the position she was in. Which was, upside down, hanging from one of the Librarian's ropes that he'd hung up. She was reading _How To Have a Kinky and Erotic Relationship_ by A. Non-virgin, and since she was upside down, she kept pulling on her skirt so that it would cover her panties. Rincewind kept his eyes away from her skirt and looked at her.

Ella flipped over and landed on the ground with her feet. She looked at the book again, and looked at Rincewind.

"Do you know where to buy leather in Ankh-Morpork?"

"I think you can buy it anywhere."

"I thought so." Ella and Rincewind went upstairs, and they went out into the Ankh-y Morpork-y-ness of Ankh-Morpork.

*Not kinky. At least, the wizards _think_. No one actually reads them. But erotic and kinky are two different things, though a wizard might not notice. There _is_ a difference between using a whip and eating chocolate-covered strawberries.

"The little darling…" The owner of the deep, smooth voice that said that slid a hand gracefully over the globe. 

"Is she the reincarnation of—?" A squeaky voice broke all the elegance of the moment.

"Of course."

"But, if she, she, she—"

"Spit it out, already!"

"If she and he…you know…if they…"

"Understood. Yes."

"Isn't that…bad, guv?"

"Why do you think I'm looking in the globe?"

"You're bored, guv?"

"No! I have to watch them so it doesn't happen!"

"Isn't that a bit immoral, guv?"

The owner of the deep voice sighed. "Isn't our whole plan immoral?"

"Yes…"

"So that makes it okay, then."

"Guv?"

"Yes?"

"But she's a woman…and you're a man…"

"Obviously."

"But, then, guv, doesn't that make it so that you're a _peepin' tom_? Guv?"

***

A/N: Well, I'll update soon. PLEASE review. This is hard. Very hard. Suggestions ALL WELCOME. Please email me some at callie_black@yahoo.com.

Sucks to be me. XP

By the way: If you're all "ew, are they pairing up? Isn't Rincewind _old_?" Well you know what? No, he's not THAT old. In _Eric_, he tells Eric that they are both too young to fight. And in _Sourcery_, he has a libido. And he falls in love with Conina. Seriously, people! Number 1, he _can't have_ a libido if he's as old as depicted on the other covers. And he wouldn't fall in love with a girl so young. So, altogether, I've gathered he's around 17-18. Okay? If you want a picture, go here-- . This picture is © to Alice Wack, or Alicey. She does not own the characters depicted. (Alicey is my friend)

Okay? Got it? Good.


	2. Uh oh

Disclaimer: Do not own. Terry Pratchett own.

A/N: Just to say, I messed up when I described Ella's clothes. I just realized, sorry. It's a short-sleeved brown explorer jacket, okay?

My brain never works right….

***

"Oh, damn, what a _smell_!" Ella held her nose, her eyes watering. "How do you stand this?!"

They were already on their way to the newspaper office. Ella had brought her suitcase, since they were planning to go to a boarding house afterward.

Rincewind sniffed the air. "I don't smell anything. Nothing that bad. You get used to it, you know."

"Get _used_ to it! I can't even stand it!"

"In summer, it smells a little weird, because of the heat, so you—"

"There's stuff _worse_ than this?! Ugh!"

They stopped in front of the newspaper office. It looked stretched out, so it would look bigger, but when you saw it, you had a feeling that it was smaller inside than it looked outside. The great building was trying very hard to look important, but only managed to look horribly expensive.

"Well," said Ella.

"Yes," said Rincewind.

"It's small, en't it?"

"Yeah…well, let's go in." Rincewind started to walk in exceedingly slow.*

"Wait." Ella appeared in front of him, lightning fast, in a millisecond. She put up a hand in front of Rincewind and looked around cautiously.

"I hear something."

Rincewind blinked, and listened very closely. There was the soft patter of feet…dozens and dozens of feet….

"It's the Luggage!"

"What?"

"The Luggage! I told it to stay home, but oh no, it has to follow me _everywhere_…." As Ella gaped at him, bewildered, Rincewind walked over to where the noise was coming from. He found the Luggage not far behind them, gazing at them intently.

            "What are you?" Ella ran up from behind them, dragging her suitcase from behind.

Rincewind opened his mouth, ready for a comeback, and then realized she was talking to the Luggage. He raised an eyebrow. Hardly anyone really talked to the Luggage**. They didn't really like its company, from what he'd gathered. He didn't exactly blame then, since the Luggage _did_ eat people—If that's what you call it.

"It's the Luggage."

"It has _feet_."

"I can see that," said Rincewind dryly. Honestly, he thought, _women_. 

____

* In Ankh-Morpork, daylight robbery isn't a metaphor.

** Other than him, that is.

"Augh!" Ella stared at the Luggage, which seemed to be chewing something up.

"What? What did it bloody eat this time?" Rincewind looked around hurriedly, and become conscious to the fact that Ella's suitcase was missing.

"Oh. It's your suitcase, yeah?"

"Yes! D'you know how to make it spew things out?"

"No…but don't worry, it probably did that to keep it safe. It'll probably have your stuff in it," Rincewind nodded to her. "I wouldn't worry about it."

"Does…does it _usually _eat things?"

"Well—"

The Luggage suddenly growled at something behind them. Both Ella and Rincewind turned around. There, on the cobblestones, looking very cute, was a rabbit.

"What's it growlin' for? It's only a rabbit." Ella stepped forward, and the Luggage made another rumbling sound. 

After that, they noticed that there were many rabbits. Hundreds and hundreds. Thousands and thousands. They were all running towards where Ella and Rincewind were standing with the Luggage. 

"Run!" Rincewind immediately started running, grabbing Ella's hand, dragging her with him. The Luggage wasn't far behind.

"But…it's just rabbits…"

"Doesn't matter!"

"…who are being chased by wolves…"

"Don't look back, Ella!"

"…who are being chased by _bears_…"

"Come _ON_!"

"…who are being chased by…oh my god."

"Now, do you get it?!" Rincewind let go of Ella's hand, since she was already running in front of him. He felt a little sorry to do that, but anyhow—

"Ahhh!!! Stampede!!! RUN!"

"You are slow, aren't you?"

"You stupid—" Ella began, and growled.  Rincewind blinked, and then realized she was reaching for the Luggage. She reached in without getting snapped at—which was surprising. But that wasn't why Rincewind's eyes were widening. Ella's hand came out of the Luggage—

And it was holding a witch's broom. She got on, flew it up next to where Rincewind was running, and looked expectantly at him. "Get on!"

"No bloody way!" Rincewind shouted firmly. Or, at least, started to shout. Before he could finish, they heard a bunch of screams behind them.

"Okay!" Rincewind jumped on the broom behind Ella, and they zoomed off high in to the sky.

Ella's hair, which smelled strongly of kiwis and coconuts*, flew right into Rincewind's face. Her white skirt was going up too, and she had a mischievous grin on.

Oh no, thought Rincewind. My instinct's right. It's ALWAYS right.

We're gonna die.

____

*Which is a very nice and fragrant smell.

***

A/N: Sorry so short! I have something good for the next chapter!

Ps: If you want to see the picture of Rincewind that didn't come up before, just email me. :) I'll be putting it up in my bio soon, though.


	3. What?

A/N: Okay…well, now, I'm already on the 3rd chapter!…Cool!!!!! Yay!!!! :)

***

"Ahhh!!"

"Do you know how to fly this thing?"

"Of course!"

"THEN _FLY_ IT!"

"Stop shouting! You're ruining my concentration!"

"I'M NOT SHOUTING!!" Rincewind shouted.

They zipped through the sky, fast. Rincewind made the stupid mistake of looking down, and saw Ankh-Morpork below. Down, down, down, below…His head revolved…his palms got sweaty, and he realized he was slipping. He kept his hands on as much as he could, and ended up hanging on the broom upside down, like a mon—ape. Or a parrot.

"Don't tell me you're _afraid_ of heights?" Ella turned her head, smirking, and then saw Rincewind hanging on for dear life, staring up queasily at the sky. 

"What are you _doing_? You idiot!" Ella crossed her legs tightly onto the broom, and pulled at Rincewind's robe to get him up, almost falling down with him. She put her hands back on to the broom and started to steer once more. *

"No."

"What?"

"To your question." Rincewind exhaled and inhaled quickly. "The answer. Is no."

"Then why are you so riled up?"

"Grounds." Rincewind gasped for air. "That's what I'm afraid of."

"Don't you mea—"

"_No!_ It's the grounds that kill you! No one ever listens to me!"

Ella winced. Obviously, she was dealing with someone who wasn't sure himself if he was sane or not.

Someone like her. Well, _almost_. She knew she was a bit insane….

_____

* Not that she knew where they was going.

"Sir! Sir!" Ponder ran through the halls like a madman, which is unusual for him. He was usually a very sensible fellow, except when he got mad. Then he simply cracked.**

Well, now he wasn't being his sensible self, he was…acting like a madman, as the writer's said.

Ponder banged open the double doors, which weren't used to the sudden impact. All the momentum caused them to fly back to him, and render him unconscious. He fell to the ground like a Barbie without a stand.

…For about fifteen seconds. He stayed unmoving, except for his hand, which raised itself up and pointed triumphantly to the sky.

"Ai've 'ondacted anudda uni' 'ers!"

"You're late for midday, Mister Stibbons." Ridcully said sagely.

Ponder lifted himself of the ground. "I have contacted another universe."

"Oh. Well, I suppose we'll have to check that out."

Ponder glowed with happiness. They were taking him seriously! 

"Yes, sir. Now—"

"Right after we finish our midday."

____

** Not like the Bursar. In a more dangerous way. Like a homicidal maniac.

"Um…Rincewind…" Ella began, eyes widening.

Rincewind nodded nonchalantly. "Don't tell me. We're falling, aren't we?" 

"Er. Yes."

"Into a big forest?"

"Uh-huh."

"Where there are horrible beasts who'd love to pick us out of their teeth?"

"Most likely."

"Bring it on." Rincewind said under his breath, coolly.

They weren't cool about it. They fell straight down, both screaming. They fell in a heap into the branches of a large tree, all tangled together.

"Get off me!" 

"I'm hanging! I can't!" Rincewind was in a difficult situation. His hands were holding on to Ella's waist, who was clutching her branch tightly. He didn't dare look down.

"That does notgive you the excuse to hang on to _me_ for dear life!"

"Then help me!"

"Okay." Ella slowly began prying Rincewind's fingers off her, one at a time.

"What're you doing?!"

"Helping you!" She pried his last fingers off her, making Rincewind lose his grip and fell—

—About one foot, approximately. Rincewind stared up at Ella, who was glaring at him. He glanced at the forest around them. It was a normal deciduous forest, with tall trees with white bark. There were birds singing _well_. Rincewind hardly ever heard birds sing in Ankh-Morpork, though they did make strange gargling sounds.

Rincewind heard Ella fall down next to him, holding her broom. Behind her came the Luggage.

"_How—?_" Ella began, and then shook her head. "There's a town up there."

"Rincewind looked. There was a normal town. Nothing like Ankh-Morpork, it was just normal. There was a giant tower in the middle that looked a bit like a palace. He followed Ella, who had already got up and gone to look at the sign in front of the city. 

"'Metta, City of the Magic Thief.'" Rincewind read. "They named their town after a _thief_?"

            "Must be a very good thief."

            Rincewind twitched. "Well, let's go on that broom of yours and get back to Ankh-Morpork."

            Ella stared at the sign. Then she stared at him. Then she looked back. She licked her finger and put it against the wind. She stared at the sky.

            Ella crossed her arms. "No."

            "What?"

            " No."

            "Why bloody not?" Rincewind snapped uneasily.

            "Do you know the way to Ankh-Morpork?" Ella said this is a slow, quiet voice, making Rincewind suspicious.

            "No."

            "WELL, NEITHER DO _I_!!"  Ella shouted angrily. "Use your mind, man! We would be off already!"

            "Okay, okay! Look, why don't we go and ask for directions?" Ella didn't answer, she just started to walk in to the town. Rincewind went up behind her. 

            Hey.

            What's that?

            This is your libido.

            Oh.

            She's nice, isn't she?

            A bit crazy. Not my type.

            I don't _have_ a type.

            Oh. Right.

            Try not to screw this up. I'm lonely.

            Yeah, yeah, that never worked before….

            Ella stuffed her broomstick into the Luggage, and got out a backpack.

            "What's that?" Rincewind said.

            "Oh. Survival stuff. Provisions. That sort of thing."

            "D'you have any weapons?"

            "Of course I do. There not in the bag."

            "Then where are they?" Ella went up to a policeman, and he followed behind her. Rincewind wasn't exactly sure it was a policeman. He looked like one, though, the stuffy, kind of superior, look. Nothing like the Watch back home.

            "There on me."

            "_What?_"

            "I have knives, guns, fireworks…you name it, and I have it. Especially swords." Ella turned her head and smiled at the policeman.

            "Sir?"

            "Yes?" The 'policeman' turned at looked down at her. His eyes fixated on Ella's chest. He grinned.

            "Sir, I'd appreciate you look at me, _at me, hello, up here,_ not at my chest!" 

The man blinked, and looked down at Ella, who was a bit on the short side, Rincewind thought, to talk like _that_.

Just then, someone covered Ella's and Rincewind's mouths with chloroform soaked cloths, and started to drag them to the giant tower.

*          *          *

"Hey." Rincewind felt someone nudge him. "_Hey._" He felt someone pull his beard hard.

"Ow! Okay, okay, I'm up!" Rincewind put up his hands in defense and forgot to put them down again. He stared at the room around them. It was a dungeon. He looked at the person who had pulled his beard. He blushed when he saw Ella wearing a long beautiful silver dress. She had ripped the hem off and tied back her black hair with the material, making her look like some sort of gypsy. In Rincewind's eyes, it looked like an improvement for the dress. She wasn't wearing shoes*, and she looked very uncomfortable wearing the dress. 

She gave him a bowl of some sort of soup, which he decided that soup's contents wasn't very important, since he was ravenous. 

"Ella?" He started eating the soup with his hands, quickly.

"Yes?" She raised an eyebrow at him, and handed him a silver spoon, which Rincewind took sheepishly.

"Ah…what just happened?"

"Well, you and I were kidnapped, _obviously_, and they put me in a room where these maids made me this _stupid _dress, and I just found out they put you here, so I sneaked in," she said.

"Oh. Um, do you know _why_ they did that?"

"Yes." Rincewind waited.

"Well?"

Ella sighed. "It's a bloody stupid thing."

"And it is…?" he coaxed.

"Well…the king has eleven daughters."

"So?"

"Well, he found out that they keep ruining their shoes every night and are always tired. He says this has been going on for some time. The king _also_ says that anyone—excuse me, _man,_" Ella scowled darkly. "—Who can find what's been happening all this time will be rewarded with half the kingdom, one of his daughters, and twelve bags of gold."

And, well, "Eleven Dancing Princesses' doesn't roll off the tongue, does it? So _I'm_ the twelfth princess."

"Oh." Rincewind put his soup down on the ground of the dungeon. "And I have to find out?"

"Yes. I'll help, don't worry. It's easy, I've done other mysteries."

"But I don't want the kingdom or the money or—"

"Well, I just suppose I'll have to stay here until the next man comes around, won't I?" Ella hissed. "I am _not_ getting married to some old _prat_ off the street." She glared at Rincewind. "Don't worry, you can just pick _me_ when the time comes." Rincewind blushed at this, not exactly expecting it.

"Don't you mean 'if'?"

Ella gave him a glare that could've boiled water and froze ice at the same time. It was a glare that made Rincewind wince, as if Ella had already put him through the tortures he was promised if he did not agree.

"Uh, no worries?" Rincewind coughed. "Okay, okay. But what if you go somewhere?" he added, when he saw Ella starting to leave.

"Use this." Ella threw him a drab black cloak.

"Is it for invisibility?"

Ella rolled her eyes. "No, but it'll disguise you well. Now, try to sleep, your "trial" is tomorrow. I'll find out where all those girls are going. Good night, Rincewind."

"Good night, Ella…" Rincewind trailed off, a little dreamily. Ella stopped in her tracks and turned around.

"One more thing, Rincewind."

"Yes?" Rincewind answered expectantly.

"They kill anyone who can't find out the answer in three days. G'night." She said this quickly, and he heard her softly patter in stocking feet up the stairs.

Slowly a penny dropped in Rincewind's brain.

"_KILL?!"_

HELLO.

Rincewind turned around to see a familiar skull. "Death?"

YES. JUST IN CASE.

"Like always?"

AS ALWAYS. BUT I DOUBT THIS, SINCE YOU HAVE HIRED SOME GOOD HELP.

"Er…thanks." Rincewind laid down on the small, surprisingly well-made bed.

AND I DOUBT YOU NOT GETTING OUT OF HERE ALIVE. ELLA HAS A TENDANCY TO DO SOME OF THE SAME AS YOU. GOOD LUCK.

That's when Rincewind realized he had just put his life almost entirely in the hands of a girl he hardly knew. Well, he knew she was a stubborn, animal-like hot-tempered, dangerous, a bit on the insane side, tomboy of Cohen…and pretty, too…

And that isn't the most comforting thing to have on your mind before you go to sleep.

____________________

*She was holding one hot pink shoe in her mouth and holding another one in her other hand. Rincewind had no hatred against the colour, though it looked like they'd grown useless quick.

*          *          *

A/N: What do you think? I hope you all like the idea. Sorry it took so long. I'm prob'bly going to add in the Watch, the witches, and Lobsang and Susan.

Just to tell you!

Please, when you review, _please_ put your favorite parts. I love when people do that! :D

Lodes of Love!


	4. Earth

A/n: Er..I just finished _The Truth_, _The Fifth Elephant, The Last Continent, _mmm, _Interesting Times_…and am starting _Equal Rites, Carpe Jugulum, _and_ The Reaper Man. _AARRRRGHH!!! And _Where the Red Fern Grows,_ for school…and I just finished _Night Watch_…which I loved, but now I'm very sleeeeepy... Help….

Ps: Okay, okay, Rincewind isn't _exactly_ 18. I read _Interesting Times_, okay? I think he's 22-23. Okay? Er...Ella's 19.

*          *          *

            "Now what?"

            "Er..just wait…" Ponder tried typing "Universes" into the keyboard. 

            + + + Which one? + + +

            "Are you telling us there are more than one?" the Dean said.

            "Bursaar! Get down from that chandelier!" cried the Chair.

            "Whee…I can _swing_…wheee!"

            "_Bursaar!"_

            "Did he have his pills already?" the Archchancellor. He checked his watch, tapped it a few times, and shook his head. "Guess not. Check your pockets, Bursar. There you'll find a lovely treat…"

            + + + Which _one_? + + +

Ponder flinched. It was unnerving to see the Hex use italics. It wasn't supposed to, strictly. Ponder knew there wasn't even italics on the keyboard. He typed in, "The previously viewed", and this came up:

+ + + Loading…Please wait. + + +

They waited.

+ + + Universe: Earth + + +

"Does anyone know of Ear-th?"

"I think it's pronounced 'Earth', Archchancellor." Said Ponder.

"What a stupid name. Earth is earth. It's _dirt_. Who names their universe after bloody _dirt_?" said the Dean.

+ + + Entering AOL chatroom 2,342, 089. + + +

"I have no idea what a chatroom is, so don't ask me," said Ponder immediately.

There was a pause.

"What's a chatroom, Mister Stibbons?"

Rincewind woke up, and got up. Well, he was still in his cell. He touched his head to make sure that no one had stolen his hat, found that it wasn't there, and began to shout various obscenities. After a while, he heard a voice behind him, saying, 

"Looking for this?"

Ella, clad in a frilly green gown that Rincewind thought brought out her big green eyes nicely, stood behind him innocently, and was picking up Rincewind's pointy hat from the ground with her forefinger and thumb, cautiously. She saw Rincewind staring at it with the expression only a wizard could wear, and looked down at Rincewind's grubby hat. To Rincewind's utmost horror, she started to inspect it, and even began to put it on. Rincewind slowly advanced towards her.

"Well, I suppose you think it's funny, do you? Haha, yes, but that's _my_ hat, you see, and I would like it back please, _don't you dare put it on give it back or else—_" He grabbed for the hat, which Ella gave to him quickly, and put it back on his head.

"Thank you." He looked at Ella, who was staring at him. She had that mischevious look in her rainforest eyes, and she cocked her head.

"Curiouser and curiouser."

"What do you mean?" She stood on her tiptoes and looked at him curiously.

"Are all wizards so protective of their hats? Do they all have man-eating baggages? Are they all cowards? Do they all," she said venomously, "_let themselves be kidnapped_?"

"Yes, no, at different levels, and…I'm not sure about the last one, but I didn't _let _myself, it just happened…"

"Can't you do_ any magic_?" Ella said, not unkindly, just…neutrally.

"No! Don't expect me too! Can't do any, haha! I'm a wizard joke!"

"Dad mentioned that. So you lived through all the adventures I've heard you've had…how?"

"Running."

"_Ah._" Ella smiled to herself. Rincewind couldn't help thinking it was a nice smile. Not sensual like Ella's half-sister (he supposed) Conina, but pretty. And cute. Definitely cute.

He noticed her hair. He mentioned this.

"Yeah, my hair's not naturally curly. See, it's really wavy."

"And long. Is it supposed to have all that…stuff in it?"

She scowled. "No."

Ella's black hair was long and wavy, with a beautiful clean sheen. That was normal, of course, but the fact that it had silver powder in it made it look like Ella had a bad case of dandruff. 

"It's some sort of style."

"Odd style."

"I know. I have to go. I know what's happening, but you need proof so as the king'll believe you." Ella blew through her teeth, making a faint, whistling noise. "I could get some evidence for you, but…I can't really explain the place. And you can't tell the king I told you, okay? Dunno if it goes by the rules."

"Ella?"

"Yes?"

"You go there in the night, right?"

"Yeah…oh, and one of the sister's going to give you some beer or wine or something, she's done this before, she says, but don't drink it."

Rincewind frowned, and asked, "How will I get into…the place you're all going?"

"You'll have to come to the women's bedroom, of course…" Ella trailed off, glaring at him. Rincewind was blushing the color of his robes and hat, i.e., red.

"Don't you _dare_ do anything…_pervertish_. Or I will hurt you. Very, very, much. And all that'll be left of you is that stupid hat!"

Rincewind swallowed. "Oh, okay."

A lone figure trudged into an alleyway, sniffing the air. It was the way dogs sniffed, when their owners told them to find someone with a handkerchief or glove, but this was purely of the figure's own will. 

Angua inhaled the air cautiously. It smelled strongly of something. Something you only found in battlefields or hospitals.

…Or murders.

It was blood. Fresh blood. Angua glanced into the alley and looked away quickly. She cursed herself. She knew something had been odd in this alley, but she hadn't noticed because of the strong smell of beer from the pub, and the thick taste of it clogging her brain. Good thing she wasn't on duty.

Well, _now_ she was.

"You don't smell…?" Carrot came up behind her, and, shrinking back, shut his eyes, swallowing. Angua knew what he'd seen, and kept her eyes down. 

"We'd better get the others from the pub."

"Right."

Angua felt Carrot's presence leave from behind her. She took a deep breath, and stepped into the passageway. 

The young lady looked scared and there were tear strains visible. Angua could see blood on the young women's head, pouring down into the lady's ears and hair. There was blood at the mouth too. Angua saw a heavy bloodstained metal rod next to her, and shuddered. She heard a noise behind her and she swerved around quickly.

Detritus, Carrot, and Cheery Littlebottom were looking at the body in disgust and nausea.

"Ah…" said Cheery. "Another one…"

___

A/N: Ah. Right. Will have more humor in the second one. Promise. I know this one is short too, and I promise to make the next one longer, okay? It's 1:32am. Please, give me a break!  I suppose I'll answer reviews now, to add more words.

Mobius Shadow: Thank you sooo much for all the reviews. They are greatly appreciated, and I luv your story! Yea! Yeah, I know, there are so little Rinso ficlets! I agree, let's all team up. Please email me.

Bush Adminastration? XD Well, I don't know, but I get your point.

Discworld for teens? But I find the books in the adult section…:P. How'd you like _Maurice and His Educated Rodents_ then?

Clanker: The reading piles up…but I tried to get the Bursar in character, and I'll change the first chapter after fixing Cohen's character, okay? Rincewind is a little older, I understand. But he's so sarcastic and cynical! Come on! He's a lot like a teenager!! *blows raspberry* Yeah, well Pterry should _make_ him 22 or something…I mean, how can he suddenly have a love life at _33_?!

God Almighty: *blushes* Yeah right…anyhow _8 sons_?! Jeez, will be lucky if he even goes on a bloody date with a girl…But, yeah, would they be powerful wizards, since he is sort of one? Or would they be normal human beings?

Rutu: Review when only necessary! Use email!

Lucky Strawberry: Thanks! But now all my other stories feel like widdle, and I must…up..date…them….

Ponder Stibbons: Oh, Gods, what's wrong with you people?! How do you not _know_ "terrible and horrible writin'" right there in front of yer face! But…thank you so much anyhow. Kidby's rendition of Rincewind's clothes is definitely off, and in _The Last Hero_, he looks WAY too old. Dunno who Kirby is, must check…. (Just call me Callie, mmkay?)

Tam Lynne: Thank you. My sole purpose of this fic is to keep people interested in it. Yeah, sorry 'bout the age…I like to keep people young.

Lunar: Yea! You reviewed! Another cool author! :3 Don't worry, madam, Vimes is _coming_. So's Sybil!!! Fluff, that's what we need, fluff. We need fluff so fluffy that it's worse than brushing your teeth with sugarcane and cotton candy. 3

Love you all,

Callie


	5. Murder

A/N: Lesse…*weakly* Ponder, you hated it? Waah, I didn't like it…will someone help me? Email me and help me? Pwease? Oh well, my brain hurts from reading too much humor…Vimes _is_ the coolest guy ever…XD He says "mwahahaa."!!! Hee hee! That is sooo funny and cool…Mhm, mhm. *laughs*

***

Rincewind waited quietly in his cell. He was supposed to meet the other princesses today. That would be…interesting. Were they human? Hmmm…he'd never heard of Metta, they could be vampires for all he knew…or trolls…

He shuddered. _Hopefully_, they were all fully human.

Not like Ella was, but…_anyway_…she should _not_ be occupying my brain _at all_! Even if what I'm going through is for her…and obviously to get away.

Someone opened the door of his cell. Rincewind looked at the humpbacked figure, and looked again. The person was very much deformed. He had scars criss-crossing all over his face, and Rincewind had the impression that the hands of the…creature were sown on.

"Hi," Rincewind said.

"Hello, thir. You're thuppothed to come with me, thir. Follow me pleathe." The small, deformed creature hobbled out and motioned for Rincewind to follow him. Rincewind got up and hurried after him.

"Er…have you had anything…bad happen to you?"

"I burned a special angel cake that I wath preparing for the marther. I have been very unhappy about it. Kind of you to care, thir."

"Right. Right. You did look a bit down," said Rincewind hurriedly. "What's your name, please?" They were starting up a long staircase, and as they went up, Rincewind could see more light.

"Igor, thir."

"Ah. Right. Thank you. I'm Rincewind, by the way."

"Very nithe name, Rinthwind, but uth Igorth prefer "thir" or "marther", thir."

"Excuse me…Igors?" They were now going down a long hallway, which was furnished with rapiers and swords and other weapons that were good for gouging people in the eye…and other places.

"Yeth, thir. Everyone in our family ith called Igor, thir, to avoid confuthion."

_"Oh."_ Rincewind decided not to press matters; if that was the way they liked it, then oh well, he didn't really mind…dwarfs had it much stranger anyway.

They entered the large room.

Rincewind stared.

It was the next morning, after finding the body. Corporal Cheery Littlebottom had performed an autopsy on the body, and she was reporting what she knew to Sam Vimes, Carrot, and Angua.

"Why couldn't you detect anything, Angua?" said Carrot. "There wasn't any _smell?_"

Angua shook her head. "None other than of the garbage, the woman, and her blood. But someone had been there. I saw markings near the corpse of someone recently running away."

"You mean a Clue?" said Sam Vimes. He groaned. "That's not going to help! Clues never help! Could it have been a golem?"

"No sir. I didn't smell any clay or anything like that." 

"She was beaten to death, wasn't she?"

"Yes, sir. At least, I think so. Her eyes would be wide open. The murderer probably closed them. Maybe a guilty conscience, sir?" Said Cheery. "Her name was Cindra."

"Any family?"

"Yessir," said Cheery, gravely. "An elderly mother and two younger siblings."

Vimes groaned again, this time inwardly. Cindra was probably the only thing keeping them alive, he thought. She probably worked for all of them.

"Make sure they get something from charity. And Cindra was…?"

"A seamstress, sir." Cheery saw their faces and blushed. "What? No! She was a _real_ seamstress. Er, not from the Guild, sir. Very nice person, actually."

Then there was no reason to kill her, Vimes thought. She was an ordinary everyday person, not breaking anyone's heart or anything that might've led to a vengeful murder. Just like all the others.

There had been many recent attacks on women the last few days. In fact, Vimes thought, about four women had died. All somewhat innocent, in their own right.* There was never any scent that Sergeant Angua could ever find, and they were all inventive ways of dying, like someone trying something new each time.

"But how come all these women _die?_ They don't seem to be doing anything _wrong_." Carrot said. "It doesn't make any _sense_."

"Oh, yes, it does," said Angua, coldly. "They're doing this for fun. To get our attention. Either that, or they're…" She trailed off, thoughtfully.

"…Looking for someone?" said Vimes. The words hung in the air, a very likely suggestion. A question also hung beside it, like a two-in-one deal.

"Who?" Carrot said. "Who do they want?"

"A women, obviously. And not for any good reason, that's for sure," said Vimes.

Carrot nodded slowly, processing this information. "Sir? We have to go to the palace now," he said.

Vimes nodded. "I have a feeling today's topic has to do with those murders." 

They went to the palace. Little did they know, they had been watched at that time. By the people who would usually call you "friend". 

But they aren't that friendly.

___

*Commander Vimes thinks _everyone_ is guilty of something. They must've done something bad, because if you ask enough, they usually confess, though they don't always know what they're confessing to.

            ___ 

"You left _markings_?" It was the deep smooth voice again, though it wasn't anymore. It had become very high and shrieky. "I _told_ you to be careful!"

"I was, guv, I was!" The squeaky voice insisted. "Didn't mean to make any marks! I just tripped over some rats!"

"Rats," said the other voice blankly. "_Rats._"

"Er…yes?"

"You fell over _rats_?" The smooth voice had come back to its original smoothness, and there was icicles hanging from each syllable. 

"They were very big ones, g—sir." The squeaky voice had found itself in a very bad situation, and had decided "sir" would be better to use than "guv".

"What kind of idiot _are_ you?!"

"Er..the kind that kills, sir?"

"Yes. Yes, that's right," said the smooth voice, calming down. "But they weren't supposed to find out yet."

"I know, sir. Not my fault, sir."

"Understood, Hugh. It's that stupid _Vimes's _ fault."

"It is?"

"Oh yes…bit too smart for my taste…we aren't sure if we've found her…the one we think it is might not even be her."

"Her, sir? Who her?"

"_Her, _Hugh, _her!_ Must I explain again?!"

"Er, no, that's alright."

"None of the ones we seen have shown enough signs of it except the green-eyed one. But these tiny signs aren't enough. Damn those stupid gods! They take too long!" The smooth voice shouted.

"Yes, sir. You're absolutely right, sir."

"Yes. I know."

***

I promise the sixth chapter will be better cos Vetinari'll be innit! Yaysies!

Luv ya!


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